latent Mormon sexuality

So, I’m wading through my inbox the other day when I get an email from a friend I haven’t heard from in quite a while. He knows I’m no longer LDS and that I have a sense of humor. So, he forwards me the following email:

My co-worker, ******* (name changed to protect the innocent), comes into the office today, with that smile on his face that says, “I’ve got a really funny story for you”.

His brother, Tyler, is a “ward missionary” out in L.A. and was helping a couple missionaries in preparing for a neighborhood “meet n’ greet” where the neighborhood could come over and meet the members of the church, and get to know these “Mormons” and find out they’re not weird and not into weird things…


They decided on a “blast-off” theme for the party. So everything was being created along those themes. The Elders decided on a rocket-ship cake that was going to be “blasting-off”. But they didn’t have an oven, so Tyler says they can use his while he’s at work.

He returns home and calls them up, asking if everything went okay. “It was kinda tough, stacking the cupcakes up, and getting the frosting on there. We had to use a stick to hold it up. It’s in the fridge if you want to check it out”.

He opens the fridge, and falls to the floor laughing. [I edited the following so it is easier to follow.]

[Y]ou probably put it together by now, but it’s far worse than you imagine. This is what he sees:

rocket cake
(link to original photo so you know I’m not making this up)

They ask him why he’s laughing so hard, and he tells them the truth. Yeah, that’s really what it looks like. The missionary on the phone punches the other in the arm and says, “I told you!”

The cake was not served at the party.

Classic. Story of legends. Picture to prove it.

So, the story gets better. I sent this to a couple of friends who I figured would get a good laugh out of it. One of them replies a day later with the following:

In the Dec. 2008 Friend magazine on page 36, is a recipe for Candlestick Salad:

Candlestick Salad
This candle will brighten your holiday, and it tastes wonderful!

  • 1 cup alfalfa sprouts, divided
  • 4 pineapple rings
  • 4 ripe bananas
  • 1 cup strawberry yogurt
  • 4 fresh strawberries
  1. Spread 1/4 cup alfalfa sprouts on four individual serving plates. Place pineapple rings on top of the sprouts.
  2. Peel and slice a 3-inch (8-cm) piece of banana. Stand the banana upright in the pineapple ring. Cut a notch across the top of the banana.
  3. Pour yogurt over the banana and let it drizzle down the sides to resemble melted wax.
  4. Slice strawberries about 1/4 inch (.6 cm) thick. Stand the strawberry slice in the notch in the banana to look like the flame on a candle.
  5. Cut four 1/2-inch (1-cm) thick slices from the remaining bananas.
  6. Cut a notch in the banana slices. Stand them on the edge of the pineapple ring for a handle. Serve immediately.

And here is someone’s attempt to recreate the salad:

candlestick salad

(again, original URL so you know I’m not making this up)

Personally, I think the alfalfa sprouts would make for a much better “patch” at the base of the “banana” then the lettuce used in the photo. If someone happens to have all of the ingredients on hand to follow the exact Candlestick Salad recipe, I’d love to see a photo. As I write this I’m imagining the innocent people who concocted these creations smiling at their achievement while oblivious to the “monsters” they have just created.


I'm a college professor and, well, a professional X-Mormon. Thus, ProfXM. I love my Mormon family, but have issues with LDS Inc. And I'm not afraid to tell LDS Inc. what I really think... anonymously, of course!

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12 Responses

  1. chanson says:

    You know, the big Mormon blog BCC posted that same recipe from the Friend just the other day here. I was kind of thinking of trying it. lol

  2. Or someone pulled a fast one on the Friend. ๐Ÿ™‚

  3. Mike says:

    I looked at that first photo again, and have to wonder how genuine the story is. The part that makes me question it is that below the phallic cupcake creation is a carton of something that seems unlikely to be in a missionary’s refrigerator. I suppose it might be the ward’s refrigerator, and the bottles are merely sparkling cider, but I can’t quite tell for sure. Maybe someone with better eyes or more knowledge of photo software can tell just what the green bottles are?

  4. profxm says:

    I initially thought that as well, but then remembered this was in a member’s refrigerator, not the missionaries’ refrigerator. Also, it does look like sparkling cider to me (Martinelli’s), which is perfectly WofW kosher.

  5. kuri says:

    My daughter brought home something similar from primary last year (although it’s a picture, not food).

  6. chanson says:

    Kuri — That is too hilarious!!!

    BTW, I don’t think we have you on our blogroll yet. Do you prefer to be listed as “TBM” or “post”?

  7. kuri says:

    Hmm… you don’t have an “in between” category? ๐Ÿ˜‰ I guess it’s TBM then (for now, anyway). And thanks for adding me.

  8. chanson says:

    Sorry — on my personal blog I have an intermediate category, but here on MSP, you’re in or you’re out. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  9. Hellmut says:

    I am with Mike and have my doubts about the first picture. It’s a funny story but probably not genuine.

  10. chanson says:

    I share Hellmut’s skepticism on the first story, but will go with the old proverb “se non รƒยจ vero, รƒยจ ben trovato” ๐Ÿ˜‰

  11. kuri says:

    I can’t say if the story is true — it’s hard to believe anyone thought that looks like a rocket — but the bottles are definitely Martinelli’s sparkling cider.

  12. profxm says:

    FYI, I was the one who made this more anonymous to protect the identities of the missionaries. I’m sure it’s possible that this is fictitious, but the guy who sent it to me is a pretty reliable source.

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