God as a dad with 100 billion phone lines?
I was considering the implications of the idea of the Mormon god when it struck me, “What would eternity be like as a god based on Mormon theology?” Okay, so you’d have a lot of (spiritual) sex with all of your wives. As a man, I have to admit lots of sex sounds at least somewhat appealing. But I’d get bored with sex if that’s all there was. Luckily, I’d have two additional hobbies – spending time listening to my billions of children and making planets and such.
No one really knows how this god is supposed to actually listen to the millions and millions of simultaneous prayers from just this one planet every day, but if you think about it from the perspective of a dad, it would be really annoying. That’s quite a family-share plan – 6 billion lines for this planet alone (1 billion of which are wasted on the atheists, who are the kids who never call). Can you imagine the cellular bill? Insane!
And all for what? Think about it… When you were a Mormon (most of my readers aren’t anymore, so think back), how often did you actually pray sincerely for something you needed? Or was it mostly perfunctory prayers that had no real meaning. This would be the equivalent of calling your dad every day to tell him you’re thankful for him, your mom, your spouse, your belongings, your talents, and your health and then asking him to bless you that you keep all of those things, even though you know you will eventually lose every one of them. Then, without waiting for a response, you hang up on the mother fucker (I don’t mean that pejoratively; quite literally he is fucking your mother).
Now, multiply that by several million and that’s what you’re dealing with at any one time. Multiply that by several billion and that’s what you get every day (from just this planet). And that’s just if the prayers are somewhat novel. Think about the rote prayers of Catholics? If you seriously had to listen to those (let alone answer them) every single day, how long until you went insane and decided to send a tsunami to Indonesia or a hurricane to New Orleans to wipe a few hundred thousand out, just to shut them up!?!
We need to start an anti-prayer campaign. Here’s the slogan, “God’s busy, shut the fuck up!” Unless you have a pressing need, leave the old man alone. He has better things to do, like creating dinosaurs and screwing your mom, your sister-mom, your other sister-mom, your other sister-mom, your other sister-mom, repeat ad infinitum…
Or, of course, you could just realize this whole notion is patently absurd and live a good, moral life, taking responsibility for what you can and trying to be a good person. There’s one less make believe person to talk to with this approach, but at least you can rest assured you aren’t annoying the shit out of someone.