Six Characteristics for a Potential Mate

Advice Humor Marriage

In the spirit of a recent article by Dennis Rainey about the characteristics you should seek in a Christian mate:

A young lady should seek a young man who:
1. Fears God. One of the ways you can tell if a young man fears God is whether he cowers, with his forearm raised defensively over his head, whenever he’s outdoors. Does he remember to use your pre-arranged code when you’re talking on the phone in case God has tapped your line? “The frost is on the pumpkin, Cleveland, and the harvest moon is waxing.” These are good signs of a healthy fear of the Almighty. He should also begin every prayer with “Dear God, Sir!” and will hopefully shake and quiver whenever you invoke the name of Deity. This is one of the many ways in which you’ll be able to control him.

2. Is not afraid to love. That may sound like a no-brainer, but there are a lot of young men today who are afraid to actually wet their whistles. In their mind, they’ve been banging the surgically-enhanced hotties on the computer screen. As crazy as it sounds, they somehow seem to forget the prominent role of their right hand in the matter, and it’s hard for a real young lady to measure up. What we need today are more young men who are not afraid of poking real, Christian poontang instead of the shallow, digital substitute. We need men who are not afraid to love.

3. Can admit his faults, his mistakes, and when he’s hurt you. Ruth Bell Graham made the statement, “A good marriage is the union of one beater and one forgiver.” And there’s a lot of truth to that, but it’s incomplete. It’s also important for the man to learn to apologize. Hey, he’s going to hurt you over and over again during your lifetime together. If he doesn’t know how to ask for forgiveness, you’re never going to have a great marriage.

4. Can control his passions. We live in an age that has been invaded by pornography–trust me, high quality displays of perfect tits and ass are just a few keystrokes away. The world sends a message that you can have it all. I would want my daughters to date a young man who is fully in charge of his passion and realizes the waste involved in subscribing to more than a small handful of premiums sites. The point is controlling your usage. Plus, see number 2 above.

5. Honors his prospective in-laws. In the Ten Commandments, God tells us to honor our parents that our lives may be long and it may be well with us. Surely this injunction includes the parents of a young man’s intended. I like to test the loyalty, respect and honor of those who wish to date my daughters. I will casually mention the concept up front, on the first date, and if tithes (basically a ten percent surcharge on the value of the date) and other offerings (perks, freebies, errands, dirty work) etc. aren’t forthcoming from the lad, my daughter is off limits. You pay to play, I always say. What’s going on between a young man and his girfriend’s parents is very important.

6. Is in the process of becoming a leader who knows how to serve. This is probably the most important aspect of his game, and he damn well better know it. There was a lot of talk in the nineties about the importance of ground strokes and play at the net, but let’s face it, if he can smoke an ace by ’em at 119 m.p.h., how good does his backhand really have to be? Leave the net to me, brother. I need a doubles partner at the club who can really bring the heat.

A young man should seek a young lady who:

1. Fears God and whose hope is in the Lord God. Her life is going to be a reflection of where her hope is. If a young lady’s hope is in any place other than the Lord, she may actually start to focus on your shortcomings, and we can’t have that. As long as she’s looking to the Lord, you can give free reign to your inner bad boy. If she catches you at play, tell her you’ll need her fervent prayers and the Lord’s help in order to come back to the fold. Note that this, once again, shifts the focus away from you and back to the Lord, where it belongs, so that you can get back to the high life.

2. Honors her parents. There is so much baggage today being brought into marriages based upon dysfunctional relationships with Mom and Dad. And even though this impacts both the husband and the wife, it’s been my experience that women tend to be impacted more negatively by this than young men because they actually care about such shit. Plus, if she has a hard time honoring her old man, she might have a hard time honoring you. That’s not going to work. Find someone who has or is working 24/7/365 to please her Daddy. Then, kick his wrinkly old ass out the door and step into those comfy fur-lined slippers, baby, because now you’ve got yourself a lady servant.

3. Knows how to ask for forgiveness, admit she’s wrong, grant forgiveness, and give grace when you fail her. This isn’t just a one-time or occasional dealio. You basically want her constantly apologizing. Pop Quiz: where are we putting the focus? Answer: somewhere OTHER than on you. We’ve already discussed the vital role that the Lord can play in this effort (see number 1). But as between you and her, when it comes to placing blame, she’s the one. Always the one. Internalize and live by this simple lesson, lads: it’s her fault.

4. Wants to be a wife and a mother. There are some young ladies who want to be married, but don’t really want to be a wife and a mother. They want to be married, but they want to have a career, hobbies, interests, or some sort of interaction with other adults. Rather unrealistic, and a gross violation of sacred writ. A wife’s A Number One Most Important pursuit should be ministering to her husband and his buddies, and keeping the rug rats out of the way on game days. This is the divine order.

5. Displays character in, under and through her dress. A young man’s character is displayed in his choices around town-the car he drives, the clubs to which he belongs, the mistresses he keeps on the side. But a woman’s character is displayed in how she handles the power of her femininity and sexuality. In other words–how much of this “character” are you able to see? I would challenge young men to keep their eyes out for young women who take the time and effort to display LOTS of character. For example, there’s probably nothing more enticing than a Kanji tat peeking out from under the top of an exposed thong. It doesn’t even have to mean something, although my personal favorites are the symbols for “obedience” “gratitude” and “spicy hot”! Those are my kind of character(s)!

6. Knows how to follow a man. Look, somebody has to call the plays and somebody has to carry the water bottles and wash the uniforms. If you think this sounds self-serving, repent, ’cause this one doesn’t come from me! It’s straight from the Luxury Box in the sky. It’s the way the Owner wants things done. And if it’s one thing I understand, it’s how to be a team player. There is no “I” in team. There is no “man” in work. There is no “woman” in charge. Ready, break!

2 thoughts on “Six Characteristics for a Potential Mate

  1. Goodness! If that is Christian then it means to live a rather constrained live. I thought Christianity was about setting you free.

  2. Interesting article… (The link isn’t working, btw). I find this pretty funny… in a screwed up sort of way:

    “In their mind, they’ve been banging the surgically-enhanced hotties on the computer screen. As crazy as it sounds, they somehow seem to forget the prominent role of their right hand in the matter, and it’s hard for a real young lady to measure up. What we need today are more young men who are not afraid of poking real, Christian poontang instead of the shallow, digital substitute.”

    I’m sorry, but that’s classic. I love that quote.
    LOL
    ~Caryn

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