Bill and Ted's Excellent Mission

I overheard two young guys at the gym this morning talking Churchy stuff. Mormon Churchy stuff. One was on a bench to my right, the other was on my left; they spoke over me as if I wasn’t there. (See The Invisible Woman! post).

I listened to the young men for a while, and found myself suppressing laughter. They were discussing their missions and how, before they get married and have families, they wanted to travel back to their mission locales. From the way they spoke, I can only presume it was to go back and surf (dude). I began to imagine what they were like on their missions. I have to thank Sister Mary Lisa for inspiring me to even think this weirdly at the gym at 5 am (and thank her for my out-of-control and embarrassing giggle-fest as the ‘dudes’ looked at me quizzically).

I named one of them Bill; the other, Ted.

Elder Bill: Good day, ma’am. My name is Elder Bill, and like, this is Elder Ted, right? And we’re, like, missionaries for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints! (Bill and Ted high-five each other while saying “whoo hoo” and “right on”!)

Ma’am: Oh, I see, well what can I do for you?

Elder Ted: Hey, can we, like, come into your domicile for a sec and chill? Maybe talk about the Gospel and stuff?

Ma’am: Oh, I suppose. Please, come in. I’m Mrs. Gunderson.

Elder Bill, after seating himself in a large papa san chair: Wow, awesome crib Mrs. G.! Okay, so, like there was this fourteen year old dude named Joseph Smith. He, like, dug gold, and I don’t mean he dug it as in he thought it was excellent; I mean he, like, dug in the ground for it, okay?

Elder Ted, shaking his head and frowning: Dude, no. Didn’t you study anything at the MTC? Just chill and let me share the info. Okay, sorry Mrs. G. So You love your kids, right? You, like want them after you die and stuff, right? ‘Cause our Church is the only way to go if you want that action. It’s totally awesome. You don’t join our Church, and, like, you’ll never see the offspring again.

Mrs. G, looking alarmed: I don’t understand…have you been talking to my children? I think I want you to go–

Elder Bill: No, no,no, he’s just bein’ a dufus. Okay, lemme finish my story. So this dude, Joseph, he like gets into the weeds, you know? (The Elders high five again while laughing and sticking out their tongues) Yeah, ah, sorry. Anyway, and Jesus and God like appear, Bam! And they say a bunch of stuff, but the cool part is that after he sees them, he finds these gold plates and writes a book from the wicked shit on the plates!

Elder Ted: Dude…

Elder Bill: Oh, sorry Mrs. G. Anyway, he looks through these magic glasses and in this hat and he writes this killer book about people that lived here long ago in America. (Elder Bill gets a dreamy, far away look).

Elder Ted: The thing is, if you wanna have your family forever, you gotta join up, ’cause you won’t even be able to have sex in the other two kingdoms. It’ll be totally heinous.

Mrs. G.: What are you talking about? You’re making no sense! I’m going to have to ask you to leave–

Elder Bill: Hold on! Dude, save that for the end, okay? So wait, Mrs. G, here’s the cool part. So like Joseph and God are, like, bro’s, you know? And God tells Joseph to take a bunch of chicks as wives and it was excellent! (High five, crude laughter)

Elder Ted: And if you are totally good, you go to Heaven and you can be totally part of some guy’s polygamous marriage for-ev-er. But, like if you don’t? It will be totally bogus because you’ll be in outer darkness like you are right now.

Elder Ted and Elder Bill run from the small home as a Book of Mormon sails through the air toward their heads.

Elder Ted: Dude, I can’t believe it! We were so close with that one!

Elder Bill: I know, that was totally bogus for her to call the cops, dude. Next time, let’s totally stick to the normal discussions.

Elder Ted: Those don’t work either, dude. Hey, I know, let’s try…(they both get an evil look in their eyes and smile as they high five)

Elders Bill and Ted:…baked goods!

Elder Bill: Yep; my special brownies gets ’em feelin’ the Spirit every time, dude.

Elder Ted: Indeed.

Elder Bill: Excellent!


My name is JulieAnn Henneman. I am an author living in Draper, Utah. My first novel, 2000 dollar loan online. Always Listen to the Ravings of a Mad Woman: a Story of Sex, Porn and Postum in the Land of Zion, is a fictional story about a suburban Mormon housewife who discovers that her husband of 17 years is a sex and pornography addict. I am also a poet and enjoy writing short stories with an erotic bent. You can find my poetry online, and probably some erotic shorts. I will be performing my poetry in the Utah Arts Festival this year, among other venues. I was born and raised in the LDS faith and left several times throughout my life; however, I left for good in 1995. Currently, I am a full-time writer and parent. Beginning next month, I will reprise my role as a creative writing workshop facilitator for Art Access of Utah. Through Art Access, I teach creative writing workshops to adults and teens with disabilities and addiction issues. Oh, and I really, really love coffee.

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7 Responses

  1. Hellmut says:

    The Church must be true. Otherwise it could not have survived the missionaries!

  2. This post made me laugh again, even though I already read it.

    “The thing is, if you wanna have your family forever, you gotta join up, ’cause you won’t even be able to have sex in the other two kingdoms. It’ll be totally heinous
    cracks me up every time!

    Great writing, JA.

  3. JulieAnn says:

    A most excellent comment, SML!

    Hellmut, I wonder how many converts there would be if they dropped the ‘shiny penny’ act and told the historical foundations of the Church right up front. It would be an interesting and excellent experiment!

  4. fta says:

    Great post, JulieAnn. I mean, like, it was totally awesome!

    Can I try some of those “special” brownies?

  5. JulieAnn, your comment reminded me of Julia Sweeney’s story of meeting the missionaries and their unorthodox approach. Funny stuff.

  6. The missionaries appear at 7:40 in that clip.

  7. JulieAnn says:

    Jonathan–thank you! Funny funny! I love Julia Sweeny…