Another Mormon Horror Story

Horrors! Another Mormon-themed film is about to come out. 

And this time it’s an actual horror story. Heretic, written and directed by Scott Beck and Bryan Woods, and starring Hugh Grant, debuted at this year’s Toronto Film Festival to mostly favorable reviews.

At first glance, the film’s premise seems compatible with a believing Mormon’s world view: Two obedient sister missionaries who are perennially rejected and humiliated (your basic LDS missionaries), fall prey to an evil sadistic psychopath bent on torturing them with his worldly knowledge (your basic nonmember).

But my guess is believing Mormons won’t queue up to buy tickets. The filmmakers aren’t mainstream Mormons, you see. And if the filmmakers are non-Mormons or former Mormons or sometimes even liberal Mormons, mainstream believers will find fault with their depictions of Mormonism, regardless of their accuracy. You want to write about Mormons? You’ve got to be in the club. Case in point:

The missionaries in Saturday’s Warrior who sing “Humble Way” are cuddly little chuckleheads who are a tad self-righteous, but all too familiar … However, the similarly drawn missionaries in The Book of Mormon who sing “You and Me (But Mostly Me)” are loud-mouthed, dimwitted caricatures who bear no resemblance to their real-life counterparts. Got it?

No matter how hard it tries, Heretic will miss the boat somewhere. Maybe the sister missionaries are too immodest. (Evidently an early scene shows them discussing condoms.) Maybe the entrapment set-up rings false. (Grant’s psychopath lures them into the house with the promise that his wife is in the kitchen baking pie.) Or maybe there’s a mention of garments, which should never be mentioned except in an official church video. (Another scene shows the sisters being teased about their underwear.)

There will be something to nitpick, of course. But the nitpick won’t be the real problem. It’s the Mormons’ outsized self-image. How can anyone who doesn’t know we’re the one and only true church talk about us?

OK, so how would the Mormons write it? I can see three scenarios.

Plot 1: Grant lures the sisters into his house with the promise that his wife is there, baking pie. The girls immediately smell a rat. “That’s not pie, that’s a candle,” says Sister A. She snuffs it out, grabs the candle stick and conks him on the head. He stumbles over. “You can’t fool us,” says Sister B, “we’re members of the Relief Society.” She screams “kee-ai,” and karate-chops him into a chair. Meanwhile Sister A runs to the kitchen for a roll of cellophane. The two cling-film him to the chair. Grant whimpers “What will you do now? Call the police? Kill me?” The girls’ shoulders slump. “Neither,” they admit. “We haven’t the proper authority.” Sister A calls the mission home. Minutes later the Elders arrive. The priesthood holders call the police, take full credit for the capture of an evil sadistic nonmember psychopath, are written up in the press, and awarded the key to the city.

Plot 2: Grant lures the sisters into his house with the promise that his wife is there, baking pie. The girls immediately smell a rat. They drop to their knees in prayer. Minutes later two Elders burst through the door wielding AK-47’s. They riddle Grant with bullets. His lifeless body slams against the wall and slides to the floor, leaving a smear of blood behind. The Elders drop their weapons and help the sisters to their feet. Elder A and Sister A lock eyes. “Have I seen your face before?” he asks. She swoons and he carries her off. Elder B and Sister B lock eyes. They share the same recognition. She swoons. But Elder B, who suffers from same-sex attraction, is so distracted by guilt that he fails to catch her, and she winds up concussed.

Plot 3: Grant invites the sisters inside, and they accept. Then just as they’re about to cross the threshold, he says, “No, wait. I’ve changed my mind,” and shuts the door. The next day, Grant attends the weekly psychopaths’ coffee klatch at the local Starbucks. His fellow creeps ask him why he didn’t follow through with those tasty sister missionaries. “I was going to. But then I saw…(wait for it)…the three big guys standing behind them!” (Sorry, I couldn’t resist.)

Now watch the real movie trailer: