Here and Gone? A mother thinking ahead…..

I am having surgery tomorrow, on my spine.

Am I scared? Yes.

Do I have faith that it will be okay? Mostly.

Did the blessing I received yesterday help to calm me? Yes.

Does having someone touch, move and work around my spinal cord give me a panic attack if I think about it too deeply? Hell Yeah!

So, I am pretty sure that I will be fine, but there is a chance something could go horribly wrong. So, this is the short letter I wrote to my children. I hope that they won’t have to see it until they are older, as a historical document.

My wonderful children,

I love you so very much! You are what make me smile, even when my body hurts. Your laughs, giggles and happy yelling are the music that fills my soul with hope, love and happiness. From the first moment that I held you in my arms, and smiled at your perfect little body, my heart belonged to you. As more children were added toour family, my heart was not split, it simply grew to love all of you more. I never knew that my heart could be this big. You have made me a bigger and better person, as I love you more each day.

I know, that you know, how much I love you. You are all such special children, with bright and lovely spirits. Your love for me and each other will never stop, no matter what happens in our lives. If something happens when I have my surgery tomorrow, it will not change how I feel about you. I will always love you, need you, and will always be there from you, whenever I can. Heavenly Father loves all of us, and whatever happens, I know He will watch over me and all of you!

I hope you never have to see this until you are much older, because my surgery went well and was a simple matter of getting better quickly. Ifsomething elsehappens, I will never stop loving you. I know that you will all become adults and parents who will make me proud.

All my love,





I live in Oregon. I love to hike and backpack! I write poetry, some good, some horrendous. I like to meet new people, and get new perspectives, online and in the real world. A number of my "online friends" have become "real life" friends too. I have no great artistic skills, mostly I love to write whther it is poems, personal essays, non-fiction science or health essays, and reviews. I love to write and send cards, which I make myself, with a little help from my sticker friends. Too often we only get bills, political fliers and junk mail advertising when we open up the mailbox. I want to spread the joy of getting something addressed to you, written by a real person, who is thinking of you when they write it. I do a Sunday review of blogs on my personal website, so if you want to have your personal website reviewed, stop by my website and leave me a comment with your blog's info.

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3 Responses

  1. chanson says:

    I hope your surgery went well!

  2. Julia says:

    They had to do twice as much of the surgery and cleaning my spinal bones as they thought. The MRI showed lots of the problem, a surgeon’s sight and hands are more accurate, once you back is open.

    So longer surgery, long time inpatient, but not coming back in two years for the same surgery. Thanks for the prayers!


  3. Julia says:

    I have had several kinds of surgery before, but the scar/stitches have always been on my stomach. How come no one tells you that it hurts WAY more when you have staples in your back. (And I am not even talking about the surgery pain, just the pain from your skin being stretched so much!!)

    So, as my grandmother used to say all the time, if you are feeling good enough to complain you must be starting to get better. I guess waking up whiny means I am starting to heal.

    Thanks for the love!


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