Love, Mormon Style

love_mormon_style.jpgby Bob Bringhurst

Harlan Poke liked MTV. When he wasn’t studying accounting, when he wasn’t avoiding his five roommates who shared his Raintree apartment, when he wasn’t hunting for a wife at BYU dances, he watched MTV. MTV shows beautiful women in taunting poses. These poses caused Harlan’s hormones to go berserk. In fact, they prompted him to want to have sex with women. He prayed that he would find a woman to call his wife so that he could have sex any time he wanted to–in the morning, in the afternoon, at night, in the middle of the night, in the car, on the table, anytime, anywhere. Continue reading “Love, Mormon Style”

Ancestry I’m not so proud of…

Like many multi-generational mormons and former mormons, I have mixed feelings about my ancestry. Because of the obsession with genealogy, I actually have an extensive knowledge about just who my ancestors were.

Hueffenhardt’s post about genealogy got me thinking.

I have many ancestors that I’m proud of. Some who crossed the plains as pioneers. One ancestress/relative was burned at the stake for “reading the bible” – according to my grandfather. I think it’s pretty remarkable that anyone had the courage of their religious beliefs to be willing to die for them. Another relative started the first saloon/bar in the Uintah basin. I think that is also pretty remarkable. Still another set of great grandparents escaped Ukraine in a hay cart and survived many winters farming on their own in northern alberta. Continue reading “Ancestry I’m not so proud of…”

The Bishop’s Daughter

Cross-posted from Fiddley.com
——————–

Back in 1969, my grandfather was the Bishop in the Monument Park Stake on the very exclusive, very Mormon, east bench of Salt Lake City, Utah. This was at a time where there were only, believe it or not, eight stakes in the Salt Lake valley. In other words, everybody knew the family. They were high-profile and well-respected. To this day, I often meet people whom I’ve never met who know my grandfather and refer to him as “Bishop”.

My mother was 19 at the time. My father, just a bit older. Of course, they weren’t my mom and dad then. They were just two crazy kids in love… in love with sex. As a result, late in 1969, my older brother was conceived. There was just one thing missing… the ring.

Yep, my brother is a bastard. Well, except that in February 1970, my parents were rushed into an ill-fated marriage in order to save face for my mother’s family among their friends, ward members, and colleagues. To this day, when my dad hears the word shotgun, he ducks.

I had no idea about any of this until, in the fifth grade, I was writing a report on my family for a school assignment.
Continue reading “The Bishop’s Daughter”

Six Characteristics for a Potential Mate

In the spirit of a recent article by Dennis Rainey about the characteristics you should seek in a Christian mate:

A young lady should seek a young man who:
1. Fears God. One of the ways you can tell if a young man fears God is whether he cowers, with his forearm raised defensively over his head, whenever he’s outdoors. Does he remember to use your pre-arranged code when you’re talking on the phone in case God has tapped your line? “The frost is on the pumpkin, Cleveland, and the harvest moon is waxing.” These are good signs of a healthy fear of the Almighty. He should also begin every prayer with “Dear God, Sir!” and will hopefully shake and quiver whenever you invoke the name of Deity. This is one of the many ways in which you’ll be able to control him. Continue reading “Six Characteristics for a Potential Mate”

“Always Listen to the Ravings of a Mad Woman: A Story of Sex, Porn and Postum in the land of Zion”

I grabbed this book by JulieAnn Henneman late yesterday afternoon. I had every intention of reading only a few chapters before Boston Legal (“Denny Crane!”) came on at 10 pm.
However, it didn’t work out that way…
At 1 am, I dragged my sorry and very tired butt to bed, having read the entire book in one sitting; stopping only for the occasional java refill in my Jack Mormon coffee mug, of course.

Gawd, I love a good read. I have the hardest time tearing myself away. Continue reading ““Always Listen to the Ravings of a Mad Woman: A Story of Sex, Porn and Postum in the land of Zion””

Boyd Packer About Sex, Gender and the Priesthood

I want to thank my friend Todd for inspiring this post.

After excommunicating the group of LDS historians and feminist theologians known as the September Six, LDS Apostle Boyd Packer explained why in his opinion women do not need the priesthood during the 1993 October General Conference.

Once a man received as his inheritance two keys. The first key, he was told, would open a vault which he must protect at all cost. The second key was to a safe within the vault which contained a priceless treasure. He was to open this safe and freely use the precious things which were stored therein. He was warned that many would seek to rob him of his inheritance. He was promised that if he used the treasure worthily, it would be replenished and never be diminished, not in all eternity. He would be tested. If he used it to benefit others, his own blessings and joy would increase. Continue reading “Boyd Packer About Sex, Gender and the Priesthood”