The Rise and Fall of a Testimony

The following is an essay I’ve written on my journey out of Mormonism (originally posted on my personal blog here). My journey to atheism is another story. Perhaps I will post it in the future.

Tell me about your testimony.

I was 24 years old when my bishop asked me this question and I thought back to the origins of my testimony.

My parents were and are as faithful Mormons as ever you’ll meet. They had raised me and my ten siblings in the Church. We went to church every week and read scriptures every day. When I was 14 years old, I decided that I wanted to know for myself that the Church was true instead of just believing. I decided to test the promise of the prophet Moroni, found in the last chapter of the Book of Mormon: And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost. And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things (Moroni 10: 4-5).

I spent a weekend and shut myself up in my room and read all 531 pages of the Book of Mormon. I fasted during this time, interrupting my reading only to attend church Sunday morning. I finished the book late Sunday night and knelt beside my bed, giddy with anticipation for the testimony I was sure God would give me. Father in Heaven, I prayed, Is the Book of Mormon true?

I waited. Nothing happened.

I looked at the verses again, scouring the instructions like a recipe; perhaps Id forgotten an ingredient.Hmm, well, it says to ask if these things are nottrue. So I asked again, Is the Book or Mormon not true? Silence.

Again and again, I reread those verses and prayed, asking myself,Do I not have enough real intent? Enough faith in Christ? Is my heart not sincere enough? But no matter how I tried, I couldnt make any kind of revelation come.

I walked through the dark house to break my fast and wept alone in the kitchen, eating a peach.

When the Churchs semi-annual General Conference convened a few weeks later, apostle Robert D. Hales related the story of how David O. McKay, the ninth president of the church, as a boy had wanted to know for himself regarding the truthfulness of the Gospel, and decided to pray about the matter: Continue reading “The Rise and Fall of a Testimony”