Breaking News—LDS Church Finds Another Group to Marginalize

SALT LAKE CITY— An audio recording of a conversation between members of the First Presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and members of the Quorum of the Twelve was recently obtained by Main Street News. The audio, acquired from an unnamed source in the Russia Moscow mission, has no accompanying video, making it difficult to determine with 100% accuracy which leader made which comment. We present the transcript here without specific attributions.

“We need some better PR. We’re getting slammed in the fake news lately.”
“Maybe we could issue a public apology?”
[General laughter.]
“How about a new common enemy? That usually unites people.”
“Hey, maybe you’re onto something there.”
“But who’s left? We’ve pretty much marginalized everyone already.”
“Who deserves to be knocked down a peg?”
[Brief moment of silence.]
“How about moderate Republicans?”
[General laughter.]
“No one would buy that. And we need to keep stringing the damn moderates along if we want to win the culture war. But good thinking outside the box.”
“Anyone else have a suggestion? Surely, the Lord has kept someone in reserve for us to use in the Last Days. But who?”
[Brief period of silence, followed by what sounds like a hand slapping a table.]
“We’re in the Holy of Holies, aren’t we? Let’s meditate for a moment and come up with something definitive. The welfare of the saints depends on us.”
[Long period of silence, interrupted occasionally with random coughs and once with a tapping sound.]
“Anyone got an idea?…Anyone?…Anyone?”
[Brief period of silence.]
“Yes! I’ve got it!”
“Oh, my goodness gracious! Don’t jump up in my face like that! I’m not a young man anymore.”
“Sorry.”
“But you have something?”
“I was reading about work the Fistula Foundation does in Africa.”
“Africa? That sounds intriguing, but we have to be careful. We’re getting most of our converts there now.”
“Well, I can’t see why that matters. We’ll be going after non-Mormon Africans. Our Blacks there won’t have any trouble discriminating against other Blacks any more than white Mormons have trouble discriminating against white non-Mormons anywhere else.”
“Fair enough. So what’s this Fistfulla Foundation?”
“Fistula. Apparently, when women give birth without the care of a physician, sometimes they can develop a tear in their tissues. This can make urine leak, and these women smell just awful.”
“So? Who cares about them?”
“Nobody. That’s my point! The Fistula Foundation advocates for funding for repair surgery for these women, some of whom had children out of wedlock.”
“We could organize a counter advocacy to protect men against any financial responsibility. We say obstetric fistulas are Heavenly Father’s curse on women.”
“Aha, like menstation.”
“Menstruation.”
“Whatever.”
“So, what do you think?”
“Hmmm.”
“Give me a moment.”
[Brief period of silence.]
“You know, I think this might work. With this one campaign, we can marginalize women and Blacks and poor people.”
“All right then. Let’s each fast for twenty-four hours, check our polling data, and meet back here tomorrow to confirm whether this will be revelation or merely new policy.”
[General laughter.]
“Oh, my heck! You’re killing m—!”
[Audio ends abruptly.]

When called upon for comment, LDS Church spokesperson Rayleen Bright responded, “What the Brethren meant to say was that obstetric fistulas aren’t Heavenly Father’s curse on women.” Minutes later, Bright contacted the News again with further clarification. “The Brethren are planning to bring back Road Shows, and this was simply a rehearsal.”

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