“In truth, I believe this book will save someones life,” says one of the blurbs in Jonathan Langford’s novel No Going Back. I agree, it’s quite likely. Through the experiences of Paul (a gay Mormon teen) — and of the LDS bishop who takes a special interest in his young charge — Langford paints a rich and honest portrait of exactly what Mormonism offers its gay male members. It may well serve as a lifeline of honesty for those youth who are drowning in the sea of deadly lies, such as those re-iterated by Elder Hafen and disseminated through the LDS newsroom last week: You’re diseased and your feelings are an unspeakably shameful perversion, but you’ll be cured if you’re righteous enough.
In this book, homosexuality is an integral (and involuntary) part of certain people’s character. Langford makes a case for the radical idea that gay people shouldn’t be blamed or ashamed for being gay.
Langford clearly sees the LDS church as being good and right and spiritually fulfilling, yet he doesn’t shy away from portraying the cruelty that is inspired by viewing “same-sex attraction” as a disease or perversion. For example, Paul has his eagle rank refused because of his orientation and is harassed so severly (by fellow Mormons) that he and his mother eventually decide that the only solution is for him to go back into the closet (strangely enough, given the title). Langford also accurately and even-handedly portrays the other side as Paul’s gay friends refuse to be supportive of Paul’s Mormon beliefs (including his political support for an anti-gay-marriage ballot initiative), which Paul sees as hypocritical intolerance on their part.
Being biased (as a non-believer), I feel like Langford was almost too honest for Mormon comfort about the price vs. the rewards of staying in Mormonism. He describes spiritual experiences that are deeply meaningful to Paul, but they hardly seem to compensate for the gratuitous cruelty of a church tells him that he can’t spend his life with someone he’s in love with. And not because he’s been called to a higher, more respected calling than marriage — as is the case for Catholicism’s celibate priests and nuns — but because he’s taught that his “in-love” feeling is inferior to that of others.
Langford takes the young gay male reader under his wing and (in an dialog between Bishop Rick and his FiL) explains exactly what patriarchy offers:
Rose dismissed herself for the night, giving Richard a hug and saying, Ill just leave you two to talk about whatever it is men talk about till all hours of the night. Richard watched as she left the room.
Shes a wonderful woman, his father-in-law commented.
That she is.
A better person than I am. I tell you, Richard, the older I get the more convinced I am that if we men make it to the celestial kingdom, itll be by hanging onto our wives coattails.
If they dont just flick us back where we came from, Richard responded ruefully.
Charles looked at him a moment. We didnt talk much at Christmas. How have things been, what with work and a young family and your calling and all?
Richard squirmed a bit mentally. Talking to his father-in-law was a bit like getting a personal priesthood interview from the stake president. A kindly, gentle personal priesthood interview, but still it always made Richard think about areas where he wasnt doing as well as he should.
[… Then the men get down to a serious discussion of bishoply business — especially Paul’s situation — after which the conversation turns to Bishop Rick’s wife, Sandy …]
What you have to understand, Charles said slowly, was that things werent terribly good between Sandy and the rest of the family right then. Did you know we offered to let her stay at home without paying any rent while she was attending college? Richard shook his head. She wouldnt have any of it. Wanted to be independent. We hardly even saw her after she started college, except when she came home to do her laundry.
Sandy wasnt too happy with the church growing up. She had a testimony, I think, but a lot of times it only seemed to make her angry. She resented the church, she resented the rules, she resented the time the church took away from us as a family… Charles frowned. When Sandy was seventeen and just starting her senior year, she informed us that she was going to have a career and not marry anyone until she was in her thirties at least. We didnt take it completely seriously. She was always making dramatic pronouncements she didnt necessarily mean. But still… At one point, she actually said shed rather die than live the kind of empty, wasted life her mother had led. When she left home, I admit I wasnt entirely sorry to see her go.
[… FiL gives a few more touching insights about Bishop Rick’s wife, and Bishop Rick immediately contemplates how to apply those insights to the plight of his little gay friend …]
They were both quiet for a moment. Richard wondered what Charles was thinking. At last he said, Richard, the thing you have to remember as a bishop — the thing I didnt remember nearly often enough — is to focus on the big issues, the things that only you as a bishop can do. The things that make a real difference in the lives of your ward members. Let the details take care of themselves.
The older man stood and stretched. Time for me to pack these old bones into my bed. It was good talking with you, son.
As Richard returned his father-in-laws firm embrace, he thought what a blessing it was that he had someone like this in his life, someone who — unlike his own father — could be an example of the kind of man Richard wanted to be. Honestly, if he and Sandy ever divorced, Richard thought hed miss his relationship with Charles almost as much as hed miss her.
Wow — sounds pretty tempting, don’t you think?
Sadly for you, young gay male Mormon reader, your rightful role as patriarch — with all the respect and responsibility of that office — comes at a price, as Langford has his gay teen character explain:
Just this past week when hed been shaking hands with the bishop, he felt a kind of warmth bubbling up inside him when he realized hed been keeping all his promises and didnt have anything to be ashamed or disappointed about that week. He imagined feeling that way all the time. It was a feeling he wanted to keep.
And then there was the whole getting-married-to-a-girl part.
He could imagine being married. He could imagine having a wife and a family. But not falling in love with a girl. A woman.
It wasnt about sex, Paul realized. He could have sex with a girl. It would be a physical release, without any real emotional connection, kind of like masturbation. But he could do it. That minute of half-response when he was hugging Sarah in the GSA meeting was enough to make him pretty sure about that.
But would I really feel happy living that way?
Deep inside himself, there was a part of Paul that really wanted to be with another guy. Not just to have sex but to feel all romantic and, well, sappy with. Someone to snuggle up next to. Someone to hug and be hugged back by. Someone to have fun with and to understand him and make him feel better when he was sad. Someone to be with him all the time and share his life with.
Paul could imagine himself falling in love with a guy really, really easily. But that wasnt what the gospel said would bring him joy.
Paul might also have asked himself: “Would a woman really feel happy living in such a marriage with me? Or would it perhaps be selfish of me to try to convince another person to give up her own chance at having ‘someone to share her life with’ in order to serve as my masturbation receptacle?” But he didn’t.
Anyway, as you can see from the above, Langford does an impressive job of explaining that gay love isn’t just about sex. And he gets it right, as confirmed by Mr. FOB.
Interestingly, however, Langford seems unable to grasp (or believe) that straight men might feel that same way about women. Langford gives the straight teen (Chad) real feelings when it comes to his concern for his gay friend (Paul). But when it comes time to demonstrate that Chad is straight, Langford phones in a joyless attempt at a Jack Weyland formula for him. But that’s nothing compared to what Langford gives to Bishop Rick. When his wife is (unsurprisingly) distraught at his distancing himself from her, Bishop Rick eventually (after the man-to-man discussion with FiL, above) has an epiphany that he needs to move his wife’s emotional needs to a higher-priority slot on his “to-do” list. Meanwhile, he doesn’t need any reminding when it comes to his little gay friend Paul’s emotional needs — indeed Bishop Rick isn’t shown to genuinely care about anything else.
If my own impression of marriage were as bleak and depressing as Langford’s, I sure as hell wouldn’t be defending the institution, much less getting mixed up in a marriage myself. Fortunately, marriage can be a little different than that when the partners’ genders and orientations match up better. And one can hardly fault Langford for being unfamiliar with what matched-orientation marriages are like, even as he strives to “defend” the straight ones.
All-in-all, I would definitely recommend giving this book to any and all gay male Mormon teens. While they’re making critical decisions about where the LDS church should fit into their lives, they deserve an honest picture to base their choices on.